I thought I was handling my diagnosis and treatment fairly well, but recently I started seeing signs that may not be the case, at least not entirely.  In the past couple of weeks, several people have mentioned “acceptance” to me.  I thought I was there.  Then I started to tally up the side effects I have been experiencing.  I do not like them, to the point I may not have acknowledged all of them until we were getting ready for my doctor’s appointment and chemotherapy yesterday morning.  Turns out, I may have stepped out of the acceptance stage for a while.  I am reminded, though, that Resistance is Futile.  (A tribute to all of the Star Trek fans in my life.)

What I Cannot Resist and Must Accept About Cancer and Chemotherapy

I read in at least one book that the treatment of cancer often causes more health problems – at least temporarily – than the cancer itself.  I am at that stage.  One way to look at this is that the chemotherapy is working and treating the illness, which is of course a great thing.  On the other hand, I am also getting to the point that the side effects are becoming, well, something I am resisting and wish to avoid.

On the way to chemotherapy yesterday, Curtis and I wrote up a list of the side effects I have been experiencing, ranging from fatigue (to be expected) and some nausea, to crazy weight gain (surprisingly common), hair thinning, and neuropathy in my feet and legs (including numbness, tingling, and pain).  The fatigue and nausea were not new, though the fatigue was worse and more frequent this past month.  The hair thinning, rapid weight gain, and neuropathy were new.  The last two were red flags, and I left my appointment with a new prescription to address any water retention contributing to the weight gain and a recommendation for a natural remedy to help with the neuropathy.  Other alternatives for the neuropathy include prescription medications and reducing the chemotherapy drugs.  Acceptance kicked in immediately when she mentioned the last option – while neuropathy scares me, especially as a diabetic, the cancer scares me more right now.  I accept that I have cancer and do not want to reduce my treatment, at least not until we have exhausted the other options for treating the neuropathy.

Another new side effect was pain during my infusion.  Yesterday, the pain was almost unbearable for about 15 minutes.  They stopped the infusion and checked the line, and then they reduced the rate so that the medicine was going in more slowly.  Eventually, the pain subsided.  Today was the shorter day (1.5 hours instead of 4), and the pain was still there but was much more mild.  They had to use the same vein both days because, even if I cannot do much to resist the cancer, the chemotherapy, or the side effects, my veins are – my veins have hidden, and my arms appear to be virtually vein free! (The vein they used last month is still tender and must have spread word for my other veins to hide.)

So, several things have been hard for me to accept this month.  The fatigue made us cut our “fun” trip short.  We drove to Longwood Gardens in PA, but the drive wore me out so much that we turned around and came home.  Also, I have been freaking out since I started noticing my hair falling out because they told me I should not lose it.  It seems like it is probably thinning and not falling out in the same way many chemotherapy patients experience.  The odd thing is I had accepted it before they told me I should not lose it.  Now it is a little harder to accept that I might lose it after all.  The pain from the neuropathy is definitely difficult to accept because it makes it hard to move and impossible to sleep at night.  The weight gain is irksome, especially since I have been fighting hard to lose weight for several years and am now getting back up to my pre-cancer weight.  I am okay with going back to where I was before my sudden weight loss started in January; I just do not want to lose all of the progress from the years before that.  As I have been writing this all down, it seems pretty obvious that I have been denying some of my experience and have not been fully in acceptance mode.  So, now I have to remember that Resistance is Futile.

The Joys of Life – No Resistance Here!

The upside is my blood work continues to show that the chemotherapy is doing its job.  I will get a CT scan after my chemotherapy in June, which hopefully will affirm what the blood work shows.  Although I am not excited by the side effects (or the fact that they seem to be increasing in intensity, frequency, and number), theoretically it is not difficult to accept the short-term bumps in my life for the long-term benefits I should experience.  I am also grateful, once again, that I chose to look around for the right oncologist.  Every time I go for treatment, I see both big and small reminders that I made the right choice.  One of the “small” ones is the treatment environment, including this beautiful view:

At the same time I have been struggling internally, the world around me has been springing up to support me.  I continue to get support from all of my loved ones, and even total strangers.  I have received texts and emails, as well as so many awesome cards that I cannot display all of them!  I keep them on a desk to remind me of the love and support that I have – something that I would never resist.  At least not intentionally, though I have been told I need to do better at accepting help.  In fact, those who know me well are constantly reminding me to seek out help and accept it when offered.  Thank you for those reminders and all of the other support!  Everyone’s support makes my days so much better.

Our lovely home of Wild, Wonderful West Virginia also has sprung with new, vibrant, irresistible life all around.  We have birds with nests of babies and have been able to watch the parents feeding them.  The birds sing all day and fly around the yard, often appearing to play with one another.  Baby bunnies hop throughout the back yard and entertain us for as long as we will watch them.  We also continue to enjoy the bright flowers blooming in our yard (thanks to the previous owner’s planting of so many perennials, which are continuing to blossom and spread seven years after we moved in).

The most amazing thing this spring, though, is the fruit trees we planted last year.  We planted two apple trees, one nectarine, and one peach.  We heard it would be a few years before we had fruit.  While the apple trees seem unlikely to bear fruit any time soon, we have nectarines and peaches!!!  I was so excited when I saw them this week and am looking forward to getting a taste of our first fruit (unless the deer get to them before we do).

I cannot resist going outside to take pictures regularly.  It seems like something new appears almost daily.  I expect to have our first rose burst out of its bud in the next day or two, from the bush we lovingly call Herman.

We also added our own bit of color to the lamp post in our front yard last month.  After seven years, I finally found the right lawn flag, at the perfect time: