After I was diagnosed with cancer #1, I developed a bucket list.  After recovering from my surgery to remove cancer #1, I lost the bucket list.  I quickly returned to my normal routine of work, work, work.  In fact, in the 2-3 years after my surgery, I worked more hours, traveled more miles, and spent less time with the people and things I loved than at any other time in my life.  All of this while having quarterly appointments with my oncologist.  It was supposed to be an “exceptional” time at work due to special circumstances, and I made the sacrifice.  The truth of it is that I let work consume me even now, when the hours and travel have dropped (though my job is still rather demanding), to the point that I find most days dull and tedious at best.  And the work that consumes me is not just at my job, but also at home around the house and every other aspect of life.  I obviously missed a lesson with cancer #1, though my heart and soul have been begging me to make a change.  Cancer #2 may just be the final motivation that I needed to take action.  (Maybe I should have paid more attention the first time!)

My Light Was Strong, Until It Wasn’t

The question I have been asking myself for a few years now is what to change and how to change it.  I had been drawing a blank; I had no idea what I wanted or how to make a change that would have real meaning.  Those who know me would probably be surprised at the thought that I am anything other than certain about everything in life.  It surprises me, too.

Until fourth grade, I knew with every fiber of my young being that I was going to be a horse jockey.  I loved horses (and other animals), and I could think of nothing better than to spend my days with such magnificent animals.  Alas, my dream ended when the adults in my life told me that I was already too tall.  So, naturally, I decided I wanted to be an attorney instead.  I am not sure about the connection between those two in my nine-year-old mind, as it seems like quite a leap now.  Maybe I thought I could get rich as an attorney and have my own horses to ride.  (I would have been wrong.)  Whatever my reasons, I knew my heart and soul at that young age, and I listened to it.  My light was strong.

Fast forward thirty odd years, and the light seems to have . . . gone.  My life is not so bad in many respects.  I have a job (as an attorney), a home that I love, great family and friends, and the sweetest cat on the planet.  But as I said, on most days life is dull and tedious.  I have let that happen, though, allowing things like work and the frustrations of life take over my days instead of finding (or making) the moments that will reignite my light and keep it burning bright.

Cancer and Chemotherapy: Bringing My Light (and My Bucket List) Back

I started looking for ways to make those moments and keep track of them about three weeks ago, shortly after the cancer #2 diagnosis.  I made a “daily” bucket list – a list of things that I really enjoy and that I will pick from every day to make sure I am doing something I love.  (My big bucket list is back, too.  It’s on my phone now so I can add to it at any moment and will never lose it.)  Some items on my daily list are simple, like going outside and enjoying nature.  I have found that 10 minutes of listening to the birds is all it takes to brighten a day.  I also included cooking on the list; it is on my chore list, too, but I really love cooking and just have to remind myself of that to make it fun!  While it is hard to measure my success every day, especially on days when I am not feeling well, I would say that I have had more moments of relaxation, joy, love, and peace in the last three weeks than in the last three years.  Who would think that would happen a month after being diagnosed with cancer for a second time and just days before starting chemotherapy?!